Encouragement, Or A Mission Statement of Sorts.

I guess what it comes down to is I find it hard to write the truth when I don’t know what the truth is.

Write the Truth.
Write the Real. FEEL IT!
Write the Wrong.

I will not say I am a stupid woman, no matter if it’s how I feel.
I will truth people, even when it hurts.
I will Write. I will Write.
I will make my fingers bleed.
I will Remember. I will Breath.
I WILL LIVE.
Ode to a lost love, a lost soulmate, a lost friend, a lost sour.
Ode to the LOST.
Someday I will feel worthy, because of what I do and not because of what you say.
I am MORE. I am ME!
I will find a dream again. I’ll look past the faces around me toward my path. I will allow my time.
It’s my time to self-absorb.

So I’m back, well in theory

I tend to takes these extended periods of absence. To anyone who actually follows this I apologize. I’ve refused to write this past month because of the amount of stuff that has been going on. It’s been complicated and heartfelt and depressing and calming all at once. I had a few things in my head I wanted to write but I always found an excuse not to.

I’m not making excuses anymore.

The truth of the matter is I’ve recently come to realize I am good at something, making myself miserable. I always seem to cling to the darker side of things. I always seem to focus on the worse and yet I don’t have the balls to stand up to anything. I lack the courage of self-destruction I once had, and that leaves me so lost and empty.

But not anymore. I need to stop hiding, stop stalling, stop wallowing in my own self-pity, self-loathing and self-doubt. The only person holding me back right now is me, and I need to work on that.

And so I will. Lets see if I can stick to writing this time. Lets see if I can sense the honesty in situations instead of feeling through darkness for delusions. To notice situations and people that are bad for me, and move past these aspects of life to the brighter side.

Let’s see how long this lasts.

I Ruined it… like I tend to do to everything.

I recently finished reading Eclipse, the third book in the Twilight Saga.

Every since I read the end of the book my head has been spinning and this post has been brewing. I won’t ever admit it again, but I cried when Edwards proposed to Bella. Not because I am that attached to the characters or even that I think they are destined to be together. There was just something proper, and perfect about the proposal. Something heartfelt for both ends, Edward fulfilling his dream and Bella (however reluctant) saying yes.

It got me thinking, and dreaming, about the proposal I received from the boy. And even now when I think about it my heart breaks and shatters. Why? you ask. Because, it wasn’t the proposal he wanted to give and it wasn’t exactly the proposal I wanted… but it will be the only one I ever get from him and I think I’ve come to accept that.

I ruined it. At first I ruined it because I killed the surprise. As soon as I knew he had purchased the ring I knew when and where he was going to ask me. I even told him I knew so he went to great lengths to convince me the ring didn’t get in on time. It worked. So I was surprised.

But I still ruined it. Once at Salem he wanted to walk down into the Maydell, my favorite spot on campus. I complained it was too hot to truck up and down the hill and told him he could see what it looked like from the cliff overlooking it. If I had agreed to go down there we would have had more time. He would have knelt down and given me the speech he had prepared. The one that talked about how he knew we didn’t know each other very well but he was looking forward to having our whole lives to learn the rest and how much he loved me.

Instead, due to fear of being interrupted by my approaching friends he apologized for lying, got on one knee and said “will you marry me.”

I selfishly want that perfect proposal, the one he planned. Surprising and romantic and personal. I’m broken I’ll never get it.

So, I’m Gay.

I apologize for the lack of communication lately. The savage beasts we call Gus and Sue (the pups) chewed through my computer cord so my internet access is limited. And since I have yet to figure out how to update my post via my old school phone (ie. no full keypad) my posts will continue to be erratic and lengthy. Well, maybe.

So I bet you all are wondering about my subject line. “She’s been ranting about men for months” you’ll think… “now she thinks she’s gay!”

I wish. If I had been the least bit gay my college years would have been extremely different and far more sexually charged since I went to a womens college. (GO SALEM!)

No, but last night after I got home from rehearsal I got a text from a very very dear friend of mine asking if she could come over because she had something extremely important to tell me. Me being the pessimist and worrisome person I am of course freaked out but she assured me it was nothing bad, just something personal.

I set on my couch reading Eclipse (yay! I’m almost done!) letting my mind linger over the things that it could be. She’s pregnant, nah… she wouldn’t be happy about that. She’s moving? No… she wouldn’t like that either. She’s taking me to Vegas with her for her 21st birthday! Wait, no, thats not personal… that’s selfish ::sheepish grin::

So what could it be. Well, she could be gay. I thought. But the idea didn’t make sense to me. I’ve known this girl for nearly a decade… and although when she was younger I might have considered it an option as of late she’s been very very boy crazy.

She showed up and set down on the couch, begging me to tell her what I thought it was because she said the look on my face told her I had already nailed it.

“Nope,” I said shaking my head. “Just tell me.”

“So…” she said kind of grinning. “Um… So, as you probably know I’m gay.” She sighed in relief. “You’re the first person I’ve actually said it out loud to.” I couldn’t help but smile and be extremely flattered.

We continued to talk about how long she had known. The girl she was currently “talking to” and why she decided to finally come out. We talked about her family and how she was planning to come out to them… and how she felt a little odd about being extremely out there.

I nodded, smiled, listened and commented when needed.

I love this girl dearly and I am so very proud of her. I’ll be right there with her through all of it if she’ll have me.

And so that concludes this post. another follows soon… I hope.

Wild Waters

I had one of the strangest dreams last night.

Imagine a beautiful beach, extremely crowded. Not just the sandy shoreline, but the water. Hundreds of people linger in the cloudy water. Waves as tall as skyscrapers crash with force against them, throwing them out of the water and back into the surf. There is a rope of some sort, separating the deep end of the ocean from the bay. I see swimmers scrambling past the rope, drowning, feet desperately seeking the bottom of the floor.

I stand on the edge, feet halfway planted in the sand, the surf crashing around and stinging my feet. “I can’t go out there,” I think to myself. “I can’t swim. I can’t go past the rope.”

I see people’s arms flailing, some swimming in the deep unknown with ease, others failing and falling under with each forceful wave. The people who have not passed the rope get thrown with the waves back onto the sandy beach behind me. They couch with baited breathe and hold onto their sore bones. I see a boy running into the surf. He throws himself against the waves and plunges deep into the cloudy water. Passed the waves, passed the rope and he clings to the people who are going under.

“Trust” a voice says. “I won’t let you drown.”

I stand watching this, the whole while not moved by the waves pushing and pulling the sand beneath my feet.

I frozen, fearful, nervous and yet excited.

“Trust,” the voice says again. “I won’t let you,” …

and I woke up.

I’m pretty sure I know what my dream meant… my interpretation later. I’m curious to hear everyone elses

Whatever you would call it doesn’t change the fact that it’s a burden

I have always been very fascinated with what is known as “female intuition”. Are women REALLY that more intuitive than men? If we are what chemical in our bodies makes it that way? Are some women more intuitive than others? Age old questions that keep me up at night, often.

I have always been very intuitive. I don’t claim to have some kind of a third eye or that it’s some kind of comic knowledge but I always seem to be able to sense when things are going on.

The years I spent dating the lion I always “knew” when he was lying to me, or cheating on me, or seeing someone else despite his inability to own up to it.

The months I spent with the chef I always “sensed” his relationship with cunt-bitch was more than he lead on and it ended up being our demise.

For months now I have been able to “tell” when things with the boy are headed downhill, or when there is something (perhaps even someone) else. Today, I received confirmation. I had sensed since before my birthday that his friend, Lady, may have an interest in the boy and after a few occasions where I was with them both in group activities I got the sense he might be aware of it, and maybe even entertaining the idea. When we went to Ohio she called him none stop and I was convinced. Still, I pushed it out of my mind.

When she came over to do my hair and spoke of her ex, Biker-guy, and different aspects of their relationship I noticed as she censored herself on her own follies and I began to wonder if perhaps, her and the boy had recently acquired a history I was not aware of. I didn’t ask her, or the boy when he came over that night but she didn’t seem pleased when she realized he was coming.

Like most of the things in life I become privy too due to my intuition I don’t ask, or pry or question them. Normally, the truth comes out in one way shape or form. Today, the boy confirmed part of my suspicion by confiding in me that LB had said Lady was trying to hook up with him. I could feel him watching me as he continued to tell me how he would never do that, she wasn’t someone he would want to be involved with because of her attitude and that she wasn’t his type. “It would mess too much up,” he said making me look him in the eye. “Me and her would never work.”

I kept my face calm but I always let my emotions betray me. I didn’t ask rather or not he had entertained the idea, or if anything had happened between them recently, or even asked if he would tell me if it had. To be honest I don’t know if I would want to know. And the knowledge that something had happened would taint my relationship with him, and her for that matter. I’m already quite disappointed because I thought she was a friend to me and I suppose I was wrong. Or maybe I just misunderstood what being a friend to her means. I don’t know.

My question is, if ignorance is bliss, how do I turn off the intuition. I know my gut instinct is there for a reason but sometimes it’s more of a hindrance than I care to admit.

And if you were in my shoes, would you want to know? Things have been perfection with the boy and me (as they so often are right after he breaks my heart). I think between the trip to Ohio and enlisting in the Army his head is a little clearer than it use to be.

and then again that could be my heart, and not my gut leading me to believe that.

My heart flies the seas with you…

I broke my promise to myself yesterday. The promise of staying away from the boy for at least two weeks. With everything that transpired I’m not sure if I should have, but now that I know we have little time left I would be a fool to stay away.

I texted him early afternoon and asked if his mother gave her permission for him to join the military. Much to my own personal dismay, she did. He spoke with the recruiter and although he is trying to keep from leaving until the end of June they would ship him to boot tomorrow if he would agree.

I cried, which surprised me. I didn’t realize I had tears left. I asked if I could see him, he said of course and we made plans for him to come over last night. We sat on the couch as he elaborated. He wants MP, but if it’s not available he’ll do front line infiltry His mother requested him do two years and then two years state side but he says its not going to happen, he wants a full four year deployment.

He says it will fix everything. It will get him out of Concord, pay his debt, broaden his horizons. He’ll see what he needs to see. He held my hands as I cried and said he was sorry, he knew how much this upset me. I told him it broke my heart but I understood.

When he left an hour and a half later I cried. He kissed my cheek and my forehead, said “you know I love you. You know you will always be with me. You know you’re my special K.”

Upstairs in my apartment I broke down. I could feel my heartbreaking, my bones grinding against my flesh. I couldn’t breathe. I called my roommate and she asked me what I needed her to do. I couldn’t speak. “Call him,” she said to me. “Call him and tell him to come back.”

“I don’t wanna bother…”

“No.” She snapped. “Damn it you need him. Be selfish.”

And she was right. I called and when he answered I could hear the panic and fear in his voice. “Kirby, whats wrong?”

“Can you come back after you’re done?” I asked.

“Yeah, I can do that. I’ll call you when I’m on the way.”

Two hours later he arrived with beer, a hug and his beautiful crooked smile. I’ll spare you the details, but him holding me in his arms was bitter sweet. It made me realize our time together is really short, and precious. He fell asleep in a heap of exhaustion, head on my chest, listening to my heart. The room dark, and silent, I could hear the soft rhythm of his breathing. He didn’t let go of me all night.

When we woke he kissed me and smiled. How did you sleep? he asked. I wanted to lie and say it was the best night sleep I’ve had in weeks, but I didn’t. “Barely,” I replied, “but better than it has been.”

And I know I’m a silly girl. That a week ago he broke up with me again and broke my heart. And that night I told him I wasn’t waiting anymore and yet here I am letting him into my heart, and my bed. But, the circumstances have changed.

And I’m not sitting here with the false impression last night meant anything more than it did. I won’t say it meant nothing because when two people love each other it can’t not mean anything, but I’m not reading more into than what it was.

And I cherish these moments
we are able to share together,
no matter how fleeting they may be.

Don’t Ever Say It Can Get Worse…

… because the moment you do it does. I slept a few hours this morning (few being two) so when I woke up around nine I was feeling a little better. The sun shined high in the sky with few clouds in the sky and the air already had a nice warmth to it. It lifted my spirits slightly and I felt as though today might actually be an ok day.

I went to see a movie with BlueDevil, and then proceeded to spend the rest of the afternoon outside working on lines and sketching. I could breathe… for a bit.

Until he texted me throwing a wrench in my plan of staying away. I responded coldly and he replied that people were worried about me. No shit. Maybe they should be.

At rehearsal I tried to put the snag in my day behind me, until I was notified the boy had written a blog where he discussed his “decision” about what to do career wise now that the sheriffs dept is a no go. He never says straight out that his choice is to join the Military, the Navy to be exact if I’m not mistaken, but as soon as I read the cryptic blog I knew.

Needless to say I had a panic attack.

Yeah, it got worse.

Momma Said…

Everyone always says the first day is the hardest. What about the third attempt at the first day?
The second attempt wasn’t quite as bad as the first. day 1/ scene 2

The first attempt at this day was a frenzy.
day 1/ scene 1
day 1/ scene 1.1
Day 1/ scene 1.2
day 1/ scene 1.3

I know yesterday was really day one. Wednesday was when he texted me about me moving out of state and I took him a New York Eclaire. It’s also the night I ended up at his work before he closed in tears to ask him to go with me to Ohio. Day two would have been us going to Ohio, day three was our trip home and day four was Saturday, when he checked in on me. Technically today is suppose to be day five, today is suppose to be one of the easier days. I’m suppose to be drunk and flirtatious and then cry myself to sleep. It’s just what girls do. It’s what leads you into day six which is not an easy day. Most break down that day, and text an I miss you, an I love you. Some might even show up on his doorstep.

::sigh:: I’m trying.

I drove around a lot today, found myself in a crafts store looking at oils and watercolors. I looked at the scrapbooking stuff and jewerly making supplies. I feel this overwhelming need to create something, this surge of creative energy. I am shamelessly lying to myself, letting myself believe that is why I can not sleep at night. See, here I sit again the fifth night in a row awake and typing, writing or thinking at 3am.

I ended up leaving with new sketching pencils and a how-to-draw book. I use to draw back in high school, but all I ever attempted was portraits. I figured maybe it was time to pick up the pencil again.

And part of me wants to write, I mean really write. It’s most likely the root behind the constant out pour into my blog all of a sudden. The calming effect of the tap tap tap on the keys as they string new black images across the white canvas. Oh, if only it was that simple to fill up blank space.

I made this conscious decision today to disappear for awhile. My myspace and facebook are both devoid of informative status updates which I use to do compulsively. I know it sounds paranoid and vain but I know the boy and his friends are keeping tabs on me. He’s always admitted it after the fact. And so when they text me I’ll not respond, and I won’t venture too far out in their general direction. I think I could use a break for a bit anyways.

I mentioned disappearing on the way back from Ohio. He says he would have searched for me. I’m not sure if I believe him but that isn’t why I’m doing it. I don’t know. I just think a couple of weeks hidden will help me. And my mother didn’t like the idea of me going to Ohio for a few weeks. I’m not sure why but she didn’t. ::shrugs::

I’m so unbalanced and unraveled. The lack of sleep is really starting to get to me. He had suggested a drive when I couldn’t sleep but I’m afraid I would just find myself too far out and exhausted or worse, near him.

I really just wish I could crawl into a black hole for awhile.

Success and Silence and Falling Apart

So last night was successful in a sense. My friends came. We drank copious amounts of alcohol. We played beer pong and rock band and movie trivia. I smiled and laughed and hugged my friends. I took my roomies mind off her recent breakup with her fella. I met a new friend who is pretty awesome. And I shamefully spent the majority of the night snuggled to ballcap.

Didn’t matter. At 5 am after I’d drank my bottle of Captain Morgans, six beers and half a bottle of Captain Morgans private stock I sat on my living-room couch in silence. Everyone had left. I was alone and the silence was sharp and piercing. I didn’t cry because I think I don’t have any tears left but the tiny shards of my heart that I thought were broken more than possible already began to grind themselves to dust. This sandy emptiness aches beyond what I imagined. I wanted comfort. I wanted warm breathe on my ear. I wanted a gleaming eye to beam down on me. I just wanted…

And I stared at my phone thinking about texting him. Simply saying I miss you. Simply saying I miss my step-father. Simply saying I don’t know what to do with myself when you’re gone, when you’re both gone. Simply say I’m broken and want you to hold me.

But I didn’t. Part of me is proud I didn’t. Part of me wishes I had.

Because I know he was awake. And wistfully I like to think I was lingering on his mind. But then again, I have always been known to be a silly and gullible girl.

Thats why I think I might need to get away. I’m thinking about staying with my Grandfather for a few weeks when the show is over mid April. He’s all alone up on that mountain in Ohio and I think he’d like the company. I know I’d like the break.

But right now I think I’m going to go for a drive and try to clear my head. I wish I knew the way to Shuffle Town…