Introduction

She couldn’t be described as the easiest person to get along with. Despite her sweet nature and friendly manor she had a flare for the dramatics. She wasn’t the kind of girl who lived life, she imitated it.

There was never a section of her life that came easily. Some children would reach their full potential in social endeavors and academics, flourishing in their schools and universities; she always did just enough to get by in both. Without a clear focus of where she was going she never did anything more then spin her own wheels

Growing up she was made to feel special and different one moment and plain and insignificant the next. Her mother showered her with love and attention to validate her importance in the world, her brothers picked fights with her while remaining watchful to give her a sense of belonging and protection. Her uncle called her derogatory names for women, and constantly questioned her intelligence and maturity. He was threatened by her defiance of his authority and constantly tried to break her from her independent nature. Her step-father, he embraced that nature. He pushed her to every limit imaginable. He fought with her, disagreed with her and in process helped mold a young girl who had a thick skin and was more stubborn then he was.

She still embraced her mother’s sensitivity however, and it often provided her downfall. She refused to show vulnerability while she heeded her mother’s warnings of people who would use her weakness to their advantage. Focused strongly on becoming those around her and what they wanted her to be she never fully developed into her own.

When she feels plain she craves to be special, to be different. She wants to create something beautiful and unique. She images herself dipping her fingers into the pool of intellectuals and creating ripples in their ideologies and beliefs. She craves the ability to make a difference and stand out.

When she feels special and creative she craves simplicity. She longs to be a shadow in the background, completely unnoticeable and unseen. With the darkness she can avoid questions, and attachment to the life of people around her. She never has to worry about people taking her for granted or emotional vulnerability. She would be untouchable.

She is a contradiction.

~ by kirbyrice on November 17, 2008.