I Ruined it… like I tend to do to everything.

I recently finished reading Eclipse, the third book in the Twilight Saga.

Every since I read the end of the book my head has been spinning and this post has been brewing. I won’t ever admit it again, but I cried when Edwards proposed to Bella. Not because I am that attached to the characters or even that I think they are destined to be together. There was just something proper, and perfect about the proposal. Something heartfelt for both ends, Edward fulfilling his dream and Bella (however reluctant) saying yes.

It got me thinking, and dreaming, about the proposal I received from the boy. And even now when I think about it my heart breaks and shatters. Why? you ask. Because, it wasn’t the proposal he wanted to give and it wasn’t exactly the proposal I wanted… but it will be the only one I ever get from him and I think I’ve come to accept that.

I ruined it. At first I ruined it because I killed the surprise. As soon as I knew he had purchased the ring I knew when and where he was going to ask me. I even told him I knew so he went to great lengths to convince me the ring didn’t get in on time. It worked. So I was surprised.

But I still ruined it. Once at Salem he wanted to walk down into the Maydell, my favorite spot on campus. I complained it was too hot to truck up and down the hill and told him he could see what it looked like from the cliff overlooking it. If I had agreed to go down there we would have had more time. He would have knelt down and given me the speech he had prepared. The one that talked about how he knew we didn’t know each other very well but he was looking forward to having our whole lives to learn the rest and how much he loved me.

Instead, due to fear of being interrupted by my approaching friends he apologized for lying, got on one knee and said “will you marry me.”

I selfishly want that perfect proposal, the one he planned. Surprising and romantic and personal. I’m broken I’ll never get it.

~ by kirbyrice on April 14, 2009.